What would make life more wonderful

• for me?
• for them?
• we can resolve any conflict as everybody’s needs get met without coercion or violence

Jackal language – language that makes it hard to give from the heart.

• criticism
• demand
• dominance
• don’t say “but”

Giraffe ears – giraffes have largest heart of land animals

• see only the heart
• cannot hear criticism
• empathy – hear at the moment what they feel and see unmet need

Blaming generates irritation

Translate message to feelings and needs. Connect to what’s alive in us, focus on humanity

Sincerely connect with needs. How can I communicate that it doesn’t sound like a demand? Demand results in blame or punishment if not complied. Needs make no reference to people taking specific action. All humans have same needs. Language of needs vs language of wrongness when needs are not met.

Problem is always an unmet need. The most aggravating person is our best guru. Resolve any conflict to meet needs without violence.

Whose behavior stimulates anger? Stimulus for your anger? When the person does this, I feel angry because

Are you feeling _____ because you’re needing _____?

Start by asking them to ask you what they need to know to give you what you want.

Ex: What do you need to know to decide if you are going to give me money for my project.

Ex: Would you be willing to___ vs. I’d like you to____.

Impact of empathy

• when someone really hears you without judging
• without taking responsibility for you
• without trying to mold you.

People who create most violence in the world have same needs but are caught in system that separates and can’t stay connected to needs.

What is alive in you? What are your needs? I’d like to know what you’re feeling. Need for connection.

Feeling – need – present request.

Don’t take responsibility for other people’s feelings. It is an unmet need. You are not the cause of other’s feeling pain. You are not the problem. Problem is an unmet need. Take responsibility for your behavior which may be the stimulus for pain but not the feeling.

Don’t connect yourself to other person’s pain.

Ex: Are you feeling uncomfortable because I _____

Instead, say

• are you feeling uncomfortable because you’re needing _____.
• are you feeling hurt because you’re needing some understanding?
• don’t be too quick to try and fix other person’s pain. They need the pain understood.

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